Don’t Fight Hate with Hate! {Entry #9}

Yesterday I was surounded by hate and annoyance. Everywhere I turned it looked me in the face. Whether it was racists ranting about a statue, people pooping on my sexuality or gender identity and even people hating on my spectacular spectacles. This is an entry dedicated to how I dealt with this stuff, how you should deal with this stuff and why this stuff just needs to end.

My day started rather controversially I saw a trending hashtag about the death penalty so I decided to make my view clear. Usually when it comes to things I know for sure will be controversial I won’t discuss them this is why I’ve never mentioned my stance on drugs or abortion. These are subjects feel really strongly about and though I know the majority will agree with my views which like always are progressive (that should give you a hint as to where I stand) I don’t feel ready to discuss such subject matter just yet. I decided however that today I would step out of my comfort zone and share my opinion on capital punishment. I am strongly against the death penalty. I understand why so many people are for it. I can understand why you would feel by ridding the world of someone it would be better or even safer for you and that there is justice in that. I don’t believe your opinion is wrong but for me personally I could never justify taking a life for a life. Even if someone killed one of my loved ones or hurt me so much I wanted to die. I don’t think I could justify having the criminal killed, murder is a crime and no one should have the right or power to have control over life and death especially not the government my belief is life in prison should mean life in prison. Thankfully I’ve never had to face such a situation and it would be naive of me to say my opinion might not change if I was in a situation like that but for now I am against it and that’s the stance I’m sticking with.

After that I noticed a story about a statue in Bristol that was torn down by Black Lives Matter activists and replaced by the statue of a protester. In the comments section I saw one person mention how the statue goes against their opinions so it should be torn down to which I replied along the lines of if your opinion is against black lives your views are what needs to be pulled down. Obviously I got a lot of likes from that around 300 as I type this. I also got quite a bit of backlash from people claiming BLM is a terrorist organisation, it’s racist against white people, it’s black supremacy etc. I told each person individually that BLM is a movement dedicated to allowing Black People the freedom to live in peace without having to worry about being killed for the colour of their skin. A prejudice that has stuck around for centuries. They retorted with things such as Black people kill more white people. Something which is statistically unviable. After I told them the facts they started their personal attacks against me. Saying things such as I’m a sodomite, they will pray for me, I’m a pedophile because I’m an adult man who uses a dummy. To the sodomite comment I told them to google asexuality and they stopped replying. To the praying for me I asked to which god they would pray to which they replied there’s only one god. I reminded them that there are many belief systems with many gods and so to pray to them if they really wanted to pray for me since I’m an Omnist and believe all religions hold truth. I mean if they’re going to pray for me they might as well pray coinciding with what I believe. If you believe there’s only one god that’s completely fine I support your beliefs. You aren’t wrong there is no proof that there isn’t a god. I just ask that you respect my beliefs as well. I certainly don’t need praying for though. He continued to attack me for using a dummy worrying about my teeth being damaged. My teeth are perfectly healthy and dummies don’t do anything to damage them since they’re already developed. The worst I get is a little jaw ache. A lot of people called me Jay. I told them that only my friends can call me Jay (if you’re reading this you’re allowed to call me Jay) and that anyone else should call me by my full name JayJay out of respect. Of course they just called me Jay anyway, go figure. My sister upon seeing the hate I was getting stepped in and told them what was what. I appreciate her doing that for me but unfortunately it got her banned for a day. I was also called a grown man. I want to make this clear I am not a man. I never have been. You can refer to me by any pronouns He/They/She but I’m not a man. The idea of being a man just doesn’t resonate with me. I identify as Non-Binary or Agender is the preferred term I use. I don’t believe in the concept of gender I never have so I don’t want to force myself into a gender conforming box. That’s why I’m happy for you to use any pronouns you like for me I don’t mind but I just would prefer not being called a man because I don’t know with he it could be anything within the spectrum of masculinity but Man is just to me too conforming for my taste. Anyway I came to the conclusion that people who know deep down that they’re wrong will insult people to cement their voice. Stay calm. Don’t stoop to their level if you know you’re right then you have nothing to worry about. People who attack people are just worried about what they believe.

The racism stuff went on for hours so I eventually blocked everyone and moved on. Only to be added to a Facebook group saying they hate people with glasses. This is a ridiculous thing to hate. People don’t choose to have eye problems. I didn’t choose to be long sighted. I may be long sighted but I can see hate when it’s in my face. I told everyone else added to that group that I loved them all and that what the administrator of the group said didn’t matter as his opinion is nothing beyond ridiculous. Hate is disgusting, it comes in many forms it could be something like judging someone by their skin colour, disrespecting someone’s gender identity or hating people with disabilities. It’s disgusting and it needs to end. We can all have different opinions and still be friends unless your views hurt groups of people. I can’t support that. If you get into a debate stay calm. Know what you’re talking about. Google the facts, read several articles, stay informed don’t stoop to level of picking on the person’s appearance or attitude. If they try that on you ask them why they feel like it’s warranted they most likely won’t know how to respond but they’ll say anything to cement their beliefs. Only give them facts. Talk to them as people, calmly and as to the point as you can. If they attack they only make themselves look bad. The end goal is that they change their opinion but during the debate aim to make them think about what they believe. If they realise that they might be wrong then that’s one step closer to the light. You can’t change someone’s opinion in one conversation. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Make them look into what they don’t know so they educate themselves. And yes you should talk to them and call them out ignoring them just cements their view that they’re right. If someone isn’t on the right side of history they need to be informed of why. Don’t fight hate with hate fight hate with knowledge.

That was a lot to unpack from just yesterday I hope it made sense. You can find me on Twitter @66JayJay99. Respect people’s pronouns even if they’re your enemy. Don’t fight hate with hate fight it with knowledge. Don’t be afraid to teach people what’s right and wrong and just don’t be hateful. I love you all ~ JayJay

Death isn’t a Bad Word {Entry #8}

These past few months and especially last few days I have been reminded of something I often spend most nights laying awake thinking about. It’s something all of us as people no matter our race, sexuality, gender, belief system or anything else has in common. It’s Death. You may think it’s a dirty word but it’s not. The sad truth is Death is just a part of life. Everything dies. That’s how it has always been. You’re born, you live and you die. Some die young, some die old but we will all one day die. True our life expectancy is growing ever longer but we will all have to face it in the end like Thanos, death is inevitable. Science speaks of one day curing death. Can it be cured? Should it be cured? The answers are no and that’s for you to decide. The reason I say no is because no matter how progressive science gets no matter how long we will one day live maybe thousands of years. One day in billions of years the universe as we know it will die and where will we be? We won’t make it that long. Even the immortal will one day die. Death is depressing and saddening and anger inducing it’s scary and painful and cruel but it exists. We need to make more of an effort to talk about Death. It won’t take away the grief you feel when a loved one passes but it will make it easier to eventually learn to accept.

We are always surrounded by death. Whether it’s in a film or book. Everyone knows what death is. No one knows what happens after death. There are theories of the afterlife, perhaps nothing comes after death. What people don’t realise is that we don’t need to know. If we were meant to know I believe we would know by now. It’s one of the only mysteries in life billions know the answer to but we can’t get their answer because they’re gone. What are my personal thoughts? I do believe in some form of afterlife. It’s not necessarily a heaven. I like the image of your soul separating into a trillion pieces some pieces go to the stars. Some into plants and animals others create new humans. Some are more in tact and walk beyond the veil. In honesty I won’t know until I get there and I’m ok with that. When I said I lay awake thinking about it almost night it’s more the fear of knowing I may go without accomplishing everything I wanted to do. No matter how old you are when you go there will always be something you weren’t able to do. It could be something as simple as not getting the chance to clean out the junk drawer or cut the grass. Maybe there are things you wish you could say to the people around you. Secrets that die with you. Films you wanted to see but can’t. Those things were important to you but they aren’t important to death. There’s a line from Hamilton I can’t help but Quote “Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints it takes and it takes and it takes and it takes” it’s true Death doesn’t care about what you’ll miss. That’s why you have to live every day as if it were your last because believe me in the world we live in now it could be. You could be perfectly healthy and taken by the virus. You could be young and murdered by someone who doesn’t like the colour of your skin. You could go out on a boating trip with your son and never return. Death isn’t fair. It takes the elderly. It takes babies. It will take anyone. No one is ever too young to die no matter how much you long to believe it.

For the longest time I’ve lived in this fantasy world where I will live well into my 100s. My great grandad also had that dream but he only made it to 93. It’s time that I accept that I might not be here tomorrow. Whether I die in a week or 100 years I can no longer pretend that I hold some power over death. It will happen. One day I will die. So what should I do with that knowledge? I’m going to spend every day for the rest of my life devoting myself to spreading love. I may not be able to physically live forever but maybe I will live in the hearts of the people I touch. I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be remembered. The meaning of life is to leave something behind for the next generation. Every one has a purpose. You might never live long enough to know what it is. You may not even like it. We are all on this Earth for a reason and I strongly believe my reason is to spread love. To tell people they are beautiful when they don’t feel it. To support those who are picked on for just being themselves. I have goals for the future I may never achieve but if there’s something I know I will never fail at its sharing my love.

Once you die you no longer have to worry. Your loved ones are the ones who suffer. They have to adjust to living in a world where you physically aren’t present. Maybe ghosts exist I don’t know. I believe in the concept of a soul of your essence. I know there are people who don’t feel like they can continue living on this world anymore. That’s not weak, that’s not cowardly, that’s not selfish that’s a pain I hope I never experience. I’ve been close I’ve caused harm to myself because I no longer felt anything else. I have a couple of scars from that. All we can do for them people who do feel like that is try to be there for them show them that there is another side, another way. If you ever feel like that please talk to someone. Talk to your family, your friends, me if you have to. Call a helpline. Just talk to someone. No we can’t completely understand those feelings but we can try to be there for you. To support you. Every day remind the people you love that you love them. The people you care about that you care for them. You don’t know when you might never be able to say it again. I know I wouldn’t want to leave them behind after being taken in an accident without them knowing I loved them. This topic is deeply upsetting I know. But more than ever it needs to be talked about. To live we have to accept that one day we will die. There’s no shame in being afraid of dying, of the unknown. All we can do is take each day as it comes.

To those we’ve lost. Loved ones, celebrities, that friend of a friend. We love you. We miss you. Don’t disrespect the dead. If they were a bad person in life by all means let it be known but look at their actions as a lesson of what not to do. Nobody is perfect everyone has the ability for good and bad. The deceased were no exception. You’re allowed to believe anything you want to about what happens after. Maybe reincarnation. Maybe paradise. You aren’t wrong. You can’t be wrong with no proof. Remember those that have passed. Stay safe and most of all live your lives as best as you can. I love you all ~ JayJay

Sexuality Explained ft Ice-Cream {Entry #7}

Today one of my buddies over on Twitter asked me to write an entry explaining some of the many sexualities. I intended to do this at some point anyway but then an idea hit me. I remember once someone explaining being gay as liking a different kind of ice-cream to straight people so let’s try applying this logic to other sexualities as best as I can.

Handy guide: Strawberry Ice-Cream = Men (If you thought I was gonna say women because it’s pink you should bow your head in shame. We don’t do gender assumptions over here my friends) Chocolate Ice-Cream = Women. Vanilla Ice-Cream = Non Binary. Strawberry/Chocolate Sauce = Femininity/Masculinity We cool? See what I did there XD if not don’t worry you’ll soon get the hang of it. Basing my Information off these peoples descriptions (Some I didn’t know of prior): https://uniteuk1.com/2018/06/a-z-list-of-sexualities/

Abrosexual – A person who’s preferred flavour of ice-cream fluctuates frequently.

Androgynosexual – A person who likes both Strawberry and Chocolate Ice-Cream but prefers them to have a more ambiguous appearance.

Androsexual – Someone who likes their ice-cream covered in Strawberry sauce. They find Strawberry related ice-cream really attractive.

Aromantic – A person who finds ice-cream pleasing to the eye but doesn’t have the desire to eat it.

Asexual – Anyone who doesn’t have any desire to eat the ice-cream.

Biromantic – People who like at least two flavours of ice-cream (can be more) but don’t have the desire to eat them.

Bisexuality – People who like at least two flavours of ice-cream (can be more) and also enjoy eating them.

Ceterosexual – Someone who experiences attraction and/or wants to eat only vanilla ice-cream.

Demisexual – A person who doesn’t have the desire to eat the ice-cream until they have formed a meaningful bond.

Demiromantic – People who only experience an attraction to the ice-cream after holding it for a while. They don’t necessarily have the desire to eat it.

Finsexual – The attraction to Chocolate Ice-Cream, Chocolate and Chocolate Sauce.

Gynosexual – Someone who likes their ice-cream covered in Chocolate sauce. They find Chocolate related ice-cream really attractive.

Grey-Romantic – Someone who falls somewhere between Aromantic and Romantic (No ice-cream references here)

Heterosexual – People who want to eat the ice-cream which is the opposite to their gender identity for example Men who like to eat Chocolate Ice-Cream and Women who like to eat Strawberry Ice-Cream.

Homosexual – People who want to eat the ice-cream which is the same as their gender identity for example Women who like to eat Chocolate Ice-Cream and Men who like to eat Strawberry Ice-Cream.

Heteroromantic – People who find the ice-cream which is the opposite to their gender identity attractive but don’t necessarily want to eat them for example Men who like the look of Chocolate Ice-Cream and Women who like look of Strawberry Ice-Cream.

Homoromantic – People who find the ice-cream which is the same as their gender identity attractive but don’t necessarily want to eat them for example Women who like the look of Chocolate Ice-Cream and Men who like look of Strawberry Ice-Cream.

Omnisexual – People who find all ice-cream attractive unlike Pansexuals who may not particularly care about the type of ice-cream.

Pansexuality – People who are attracted to all ice-cream no matter its type or flavour. Often described as (Gender) Ice-Cream-Blind.

Panromantic – People who are attracted to all ice-cream no matter its type or flavour but don’t necessarily have the desire to eat any.

Pomosexuality – People who disregard the idea of being labelled as it’s seen as insignificant.

Polysexual – Someone who is attracted to some but not all Ice-Cream flavours. They be attracted to any combination of flavours.

Questioning – Someone who is unsure of re examining the flavour(s) of ice-cream they might like.

Skoliosexual – An attraction to Vanilla Ice-Cream.

Sapiosexual – An attraction to the intelligence an ice-cream holds.

This was not only supposed to be fun but also educational. Everyone has their own definition of these sexualities so if you don’t agree with a description that’s perfectly ok. If you didn’t understand a word of this XD then please go and look into them yourself this was to get people interested in learning about these different sexualities. They are all valid. Even if you did understand there’s no harm in doing your own research. Thank you for sticking around to look at my delicious menu of sexualities. As always you can find me on Twitter @66JayJay99 I love you all ~ JayJay

Wear a Mask! {Entry #6}

The title says it all. It’s pretty simple wear a mask. Even if you technically don’t have to. Wear one. Masks to do not impeach on your freedom of expression. There are no belief systems as far as I’m aware which actively don’t condone the use of face masks. I’m not usually one to tell people what to do but I feel as if I have to step in. If you aren’t wearing a mask ask yourself why? What exactly is wrong with wearing a mask in an inclosed space? I understand it’s taboo in the UK and western culture as a whole but do you know what else is taboo? Pandemics. They are rare and they are scary and not to mention they kill people. They kill a lot of people. You can claim all you like that masks don’t do anything to stop the spread but they sure as heck are a lot better than nothing. You don’t even have to use medical masks if you can wear a fabric/material mask so long as there’s no holes. They come in many colours and designs. They can even be fashionable. Treat them as if they are the newest trend if you have to just as long as you wear them. I can tell you now this trend will be going on far longer than fidget spinners. Think of them as reading glasses they can be suited to fit your style but they are needed all the same.

If you still aren’t convinced you probably haven’t looked into it. If you just did a quick google of “What do scientists say about masks?” You will find many interviews with well respected scientists claiming that you should wear them and that they shouldn’t be controversial. I’m not a scientist I don’t know the full science but the subject I most excelled in was Biology and I know that something as simple as sneezing into a tissue or into your elbow if none are available can do a lot to prevent the spread of pathogens. Imagine if you had a face covering. Maybe some germs will go through maybe. But there’s gonna be a heck lot less than if you were sneezing out in the open. Why do you think doctors wear masks all the time? During surgery etc. Because they know wearing masks prevents the spread of germs. I’m going to make an assumption that if you are going around moaning about wearing a mask you probably aren’t a doctor and if you are then you’re probably not in the right profession. I have many doctor friends who tell me that we should be wearing a mask. They are out there fighting this virus. I trust their judgement far more than some average Joe. Even the prime minister is coming round to the idea of making face masks mandatory in inclosed spaces. If Boris Johnson can put his pride to one side so can you. No matter what you believe in I’m sure you believe in kindness and I’ve heard many people claim wearing a mask is a kindness. You are doing such a small thing which in the long run is helping many many people. I’ve seen videos of people with physical disabilities missing limbs, being visually impaired putting a mask on. If they can do it then you can too. I understand that yes some people have learning difficulties or autism and may struggle when it comes to the concept of wearing a mask. Talk to them, explain to them why wearing a mask is kind. Show them that it isn’t scary. Normalise it. If you’re hard of hearing they even have masks with clear plastic showing the mouth. Try speaking through gestures. It may be difficult, inconvenient and frustrating but it’s a lot better than catching a virus.

I’m not telling you to wear a mask because I’m being mean. I’m telling you to wear one so you can be kind. Imagine getting ill, then passing it to your loved ones get ill and they die. I’m sorry but the hard reality is you were a factor in that. It’s not your fault that the virus exists. It’s not your fault they died as a victim of the virus but it is your fault for not doing more to protect them. Don’t do it because people tell you to. Do it to protect your loved ones and yourself. It takes 2 seconds to put on a mask. That’s 2 seconds that can be difference between living and spending time in intensive care and possibly dying. So when you leave the door. Grab your phone, your wallet, your keys, your glasses and most importantly your mask. It can be the difference between life and death.

I’m sure the majority reading this will wear a mask and I want to thank you. I know many countries do have mandatory mask policies and I want to thank them. For now in The UK it’s a choice to wear a mask or not and if you aren’t already I strongly suggest you make the choice to use one. Please stay safe. Maintain Social distancing. Wear masks in shops and on transport. Wash your hands whenever you can and use hand sanitiser when available to you. Stay hygienic. Stay safe and wear a mask. Thank you for reading today’s entry as always you can find me over on Twitter @66JayJay99 I love you all stay safe, wear a mask ~ JayJay

I’m Pretty Ace & Why I Keep Reminding You {Entry #5}

It’s true I’m pretty Ace. That stands for Asexual if you weren’t aware. I know recently I’ve talked on and on about being asexual and do you know why? Because it’s so rarely heard of. There are people within the LGBTQ+ Community who don’t even understand what it means to be Asexual or any of it’s sibling labels and that’s a problem. As someone who is asexual I naturally don’t want to have to explain who I am over and over every time I speak to someone new. Of course I don’t mind teaching and educating people on what it means but it can be very tiring as you can probably imagine. So this entry is dedicated to all my Ace friends who would just like people to have a basic understanding of who we are like the way you would for labels like Gay and Straight etc.

Asexual by its dictionary definition is without sexual feelings or associations.”asexual individuals may still experience attraction but this attraction doesn’t need to be realized in any sexual manner” that’s a pretty reasonable definition. There are a lot of misconceptions about asexuality for starters that asexual people are celibate. Celibacy and asexuality are not one and the same. Yes there are some Ace people who don’t partake in sexy stuff all together but there are a large majority who do for various reasons. For example if you’re in a relationship you might want to sleep with your partner because you enjoy them feeling pleasure. You may want to feel pleasure yourself. Just because you don’t have a sexual attraction to anyone doesn’t mean your body can’t respond to stimulation. It still works the way it would unless of course you have other reasons why it might not. It’s your body and you can do with it what you like it doesn’t make you any less Ace.

Another term commonly used within the Ace community is Romantic for example Aromantic, Heteroromantic, Biromantic, Panromantic and Homoromantic. This simply means that although you don’t have sexual attraction to people of any gender you may still feel romantic attraction to any number of gender identities. For example I am Homoromantic which means I am a Male presenting person (at least in part) who is romantically attracted to Male presenting people. I rarely use this term for myself as I don’t particularly connect to a specific gender presentation. Though I use it as I was assigned Male at birth. I’ll discuss this more in another entry.

Some other terms that fall under the asexual umbrella include Demisexual/Romantic (no not a sexual/romantic attraction to Demi Lovato XD) Grey-Asexual/Romantic, Reciprosexual/Romantic, Akoisexual/Romantic and Aceflux/Aroflux. These all in various ways fall within the spectrum between Asexual and Sexual. If you would like to learn more about each term individually I recommend doing your own research into each one to see the subtle differences.

One of the main reasons Asexuality is so misunderstood is because it receives little to no representation within the media. I know of a couple of Asexual characters Todd Chavez from Bojack Horseman and Spongebob Squarepants the titular character of his show. Bojack has now wrapped up its final season and Spongebob is a sponge… so it’s not surprising to see that with little representation it’s difficult for people to really understand what asexuality is. Another notable character is Jughead Jones from The Archie Comics, he was sometimes portrayed as asexual within the comics though they changed this for Riverdale. This would have been the perfect way to showcase asexuality to the mainstream so though I understand the reasoning behind this decision it’s disappointing that such an opportunity was lost. Another lost opportunity is Peridot from Stephen Universe who to my understanding was said to be asexual/aromantic by the creators but not explicitly within the show. Literature is a more fruitful medium for asexual representation but the characters are far less well known. I’ve had to resort to creating my own representation within my own work ‘A Doughnut From Cakeopia’ where one of the main characters SJ is in my eyes asexual but this is yet to be explicitly stated. I want him to come out on his own terms.

Though asexuality is a relatively new term there have been some notable historical figures who if they existed today may have presented themselves as asexual. People such as Sir Isaac Newton, Florence Nightingale, Nikola Tesla and HP Lovecraft were all referenced as being in some form sexually adverse. As they aren’t with us we can’t call them asexual as they may not have identified as such we can only make assumptions. However living celebrities who identify as asexual include myself (joking XD), Tim Gunn, Caitlyn Jenner, Janeane Garofalo and Paula Poundstone just to name a few. So as you can see young Ace people don’t have a huge selection of role models to look up to.

Some people through lack of understanding claim things such as asexual people just haven’t had the right kind of sexual interaction and that they may need to practice more. This is a ridiculous notion. Like all sexual orientations asexuality is not a choice. I didn’t chose to be asexual I have always been this way, have always had these feelings. I have only recently chosen to openly present myself with the label. My hope is that through this entry you have been able to get a better understanding of what it means to be asexual and why we are so underrepresented. I will be the best role model I can be for Ace folks out there as we desperately need more. How can you help us be seen? Simple things such as talking about asexuality as much as you would with more well represented sexualities. Include asexual characters in your art and your writings and your music just talk about us, that’s why I talk about my asexuality as much as I can. We deserve to be treated with respect. Please do your own research into asexuality. Start discussions/promote us and accept us as the valid people we are. For now I want to thank you for listening. You can find me on Twitter @66JayJay99 there you can find my story ‘A Doughnut From Cakeopia’ I release a new chapter every Saturday over on Wattpad. Love you all JayJay.

My Experiences with Love & Pain {Entry #4} [Warning May be Hard to Read for some Readers]

Ah there’s too much hate in the world right now I want to have a break from all that and focus on love. What is love? (Pauses to allow everyone to sing baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more) I want to talk about my relationship with love and my own experiences surrounding this complicated emotion. Though I must mention mine is a tale of Love, Betrayal, Anger and Pain. Essentially it’s like a Shakespeare play without all the death. Let’s begin by going through each of my… hmm how should I refer to them? Muses? Lovers? I could call them Daddies but instead let’s just say Suitors! yes I like that. Let’s begin by going through my suitors one by one (All seven of them) and discuss what went right. What went wrong and all the little bits in between. Obviously I’m not going to reveal their actual names for privacy reasons so let’s call them L, R, A, O, D, P & C. Thank goodness they all start with a different letter imagine referring to one as L2 or something haha. Anyway let’s begin with L. Now I met L in 2016 it was the last day of April and I had just come home from a trip to Devon and a brief moment of running away. I was out as ‘gay’ to my friends but not to my parents or anyone else for that matter. When I met L it was at his house yeah I know a big no no but I was young and as I mentioned before my mental state wasn’t exactly in peak condition. L wasn’t my first encounter with a man but we will talk about that later. The moment I met L I knew he was a character he was tall and skinny and had no problem telling me straight up that he was a Human Pup. A Human Pup is somebody who dresses up and acts like well a Pup. By this point I was already a baby. Who am I kidding I was always a baby but at this point I owned dummies but even knowing L was so open about being a Pup I decided not to tell him I was a baby mainly because I didn’t want to sexualise who I was (big asexual flag right there) but I met him at his house and we did … I’m going to Mama Mia that stuff out you don’t need the details. Then we immediately started a relationship. The same day I met him… honestly though for a while a good couple of months the relationship was great a secret of course but I really did care about him deeply and loved being around him. Until August. My phone died and I couldn’t get into contact with L. I cried and cried pining for my beloved and my parents ask me “Do you have a girlfriend?” I said no “do you have a boyfriend?” And I cried even more they had their answer. My mother began questioning me about who this mystery man was and when I revealed his age she was rightfully angry “that’s disgusting you’re only __ and he’s __” it was my uncle who calmed her down which was a shock because my uncle is not the kind of person you would think would support gay rights etc. It warmed my heart knowing I had someone in my corner. And I eventually blurted out that I loved L. It all went smoothly from then my parents knew about L and I eventually told more people not my class one of my friends accidentally outed me. But I felt confident so confident that I even told L I was a baby. He took it well of course he told me I should have said sooner. Then he revealed that he was open to the idea of having an open relationship. I thought why not? I’m young why not explore who I am more it’s not like L is going anywhere. So I did meet other men and I told L each time I did and he wanted the details etc because he liked the details. It was all going ok until I met one man an older man a much much older man who treated me like a Prince he was a counsellor and he gave me access to his Netflix account and stuff brought me presents doted on me. Gave me money.. that’s when things started going wrong. I had a taste of what my body could get me I knew even then that something about … wasn’t for me. But if I could use something I’m not comfortable with to my advantage? So I met more men and got more money this is something I did keep from L and well everyone. My best friend and sister had a feeling but I never told her, how could I? Am I ashamed of what I did yes. Not about earning the money the money wasn’t important I was ashamed of not telling someone. That’s when the lying began. It became so easy to lie to the people I loved to L, to my family to my friends and to myself. The man who started it all was arrested. The police were at my door my parents now knew I was meeting older men as well as L. The man I met the money man. Was a pedophile. He had done the same thing with me that he did with people much younger. The youngest I’m lead to believe was 12. I had to tell the police every little detail of our encounters. Then they let me go. No court nothing. I wasn’t a victim I was of age. Would they think I was a victim if I told them about the money? That’s right I lied to the police about the money man giving me money. I was deeply distraught over the fact I was seeing the money man and had no idea what he was doing to them poor children. I should have known. Why didn’t I know? So distraught that I found another man one who didn’t offer me money. He was kind and charming and friendly and we went to the beach and had a good time then he suggested we go into the woods. We attempted to have … I didn’t object but was disappointed he had wanted that all along. It didn’t happen though and I went home. I agreed to meet him again. This time we went straight to the woods. I felt uncomfortable the whole time. I really can’t explain the feeling dread is the only word that really makes sense. I made up a lie that I needed the toilet. Maybe I could get away from him but instead he said I should relieve myself in front of him. I did well I tried. He came up behind me touched me and the next thing I know I was on my knees asking him multiple times to stop. “Stop please it hurts I can’t do it anymore” he would whisper in my ear that I could. I can’t remember if I consented to begin with that memory is the one that stayed that I think about every night when I try to sleep. If I consented or not the moment I cried stop was the moment that consent was withdrawn. After that incident I grew quieter I denied it ever happened. I stopped sleeping with L. Stopped meeting other men for anything other than money. I thought maybe men owed me something. I needed something to fill in the gap of the thing that was taken from me. Then I met R and I felt love all over again. The issue was I still loved L. So I told L and I told R and that’s when the polygamous relationship begin. I was happy I didn’t sleep with either of my suitors but I was happy. Until it was too much and I made a choice maybe the wrong choice. I chose L over R. I thought oh I’ve loved him longer I should be with him. Things went down hill from there and I realised just how much of a slob L was and how we were ill suited so I met another man this time called A. I hid A from L. Then L found out. I realised I didn’t want L I wanted A. So I broke up with L and quickly got with A. All I would do with A was … but you know what? I didn’t sleep with any men for money. A had a son and would constantly compare me to him. That was a warning sign. I hid being a baby from A in fact I don’t think he knows even to this day. I eventually realised all A cared about was … and when I confronted him he dumped me. Right before Valentine’s Day I even got him a card. I was heart broken and spent a few months mourning him and yes you guessed it went back to men for money. Until I met O. Oh my darling O my beautiful handsome O. We were the happiest together. My parents loved him my friends could see how much I loved him. I finally understood love and O was perfect for me he embraced that I was a baby and never forced me to sleep with him. We did a couple of times but if he knew I was asexual back then I guarantee he wouldn’t have. Because he respected me. I had a fresh start with O and even though he worked abroad we spoke every day without fail. Until O’s father passed away and in many ways so did O. He withdrew and didn’t speak to me for weeks. I didn’t want to lose him I couldn’t lose him but after finally seeing him in person and seeing that behind those beautiful eyes he was gone the O I loved was gone I knew I had to let him go. He later told me he considered doing the same to me and was thankful I ended it first because he didn’t want to do that to me. I was devastated. Again I went back to my default men and money men and money men and money why did I think I cared about the money more than my own freaking body??? The I met a man that could give me both love and money and so began an unhealthy reliance with D. D wasn’t all bad just controlling at times. He would always pay for everything he even gave me a credit card. I never truly loved him I don’t think. I cared about him sure but I was always thinking of O. D was physically disabled which didn’t bother me in slightest he actually suffered with the same thing my mum does. He actually was there for my fibromyalgia diagnosis But she didn’t like him and didn’t believe my diagnosis. That was a warning sign for me. She loved O but she couldn’t stand D that’s when I decided I didn’t want to be D’s puppet anymore. I wasn’t to be in a relationship where he controlled me with my one true weakness money. I dumped him. He cut me off that was that. Then alone again guess what I did? Yep. But this time was different I had been able to at least heal a little after O. The more I thought about the past I thought about the incident in the woods and one day my mum found me in tears. I don’t know how but she instantly knew she said “who did this to you?” I told her the main details and she called the police. So began a long and gruelling period of interviews and recounting the story of the day I was raped. I’m not afraid to use that term now. Talking after what? Two years of keeping it in. I can tell you right now when you go through that your first reaction isn’t to call the police it’s emptiness so if you think it is get off everyone’s back. I recovered at least in part I still think about it the scars are there even the physical one I gave myself in a moment of emptiness but it doesn’t control me anymore. I decided to stop selling myself and try and live a normal life met P. Then my parents found out about the money. Go figure I stop and that’s when they find out. To this day there is a lot of tension between us. Over many things. P became increasingly more hostile telling me what to wear what to eat when we should be having … I thought this guy is a healthcare worker he wouldn’t hurt me. I was wrong every time I saw him his behaviour got worse he even invited me round just to wash up the weeks worth of dirty plates that had piled up. He shouted at me and made me cry many times threatened to dump me if I didn’t get my act together. Whatever I had done wrong I don’t know? I never did. In public he would berate me yes even in public. “How can you go out like that I’m ashamed to be seen with you” then I had enough and left. That was that. It wasn’t easy but I did it with the support of my friends. I escaped many people can’t and don’t and to you I can only say I love you and we are there for you. I’m sorry you’re experiencing that just my short time with it was horrific I can’t imagine it going on for years. It breaks my heart. I spent months single and met a nice boy C. My first actual relationship with someone around my age. Finally. Problem was Lockdown. We couldn’t see eachother. I realised I didn’t love him and we ended. We still talk and he’s one of my proofreaders. Thank goodness he isn’t proofreading this haha. Anyway here I am after all this time I’m still here and I have a lot more love to experience and hopefully a lot less pain. Thank you for sticking around you all mean the world to me it’s nice to just sometimes vent. You can find me on Twitter as always @66JayJay99 Again thank you love JayJay.

To Cancel or Not to Cancel {Entry #3}

By this point I don’t think I need to explain Cancel Culture but for those of you doing a Patrick Star (that is living under a rock) I will briefly try giving my own definition. Bare in mind this is my own interpretation you can disagree. For me cancel culture (let’s call it CC as it’s easier to type) is the act of publicly condemning the actions of a person in the public eye either from the present or the past which has caused offence to a large group of people. By from the past I mean if a celebrity does something say uses blackface in a comedy sketch from 10 years ago. Blackface is racist it’s as simple as that. There is no argument for it. It’s racist now and it was racist then. There is no excuse. Do I think these people should be cancelled? They’ve had 10 years to think about their actions and at least issue a statement saying they were wrong. That still doesn’t make it right but the fact that they have spoken out about it and show genuine guilt and remorse proves that they have changed as a person. They shouldn’t be cancelled for that. They shouldn’t be applauded but acknowledged that they’ve been heard and we can hope they now spend their time advocating against racism. They’ve hurt a lot of people but they’ve at least shown that in many ways they have grown. Now on the other hand we have people who don’t acknowledge past mistakes. In this scenario I think it’s ok to spark a conversation something along the lines of “hey, I know this was 10 years ago but I recently watched this show you were in where you used black face for comedy. I just want to make sure that you understand this isn’t ok. Just for piece of mind” if they go onto issue a statement where they confirm they don’t condone those actions and that they will do more. That’s great. Delayed? Sure but they got there in the end. Now some people may not do the same. They may come out as saying they were attacked and it was in the past we should leave it there. If they are purposely avoiding accountability for their actions that is not ok. Should we cancel them? Probably not but we should call them out. Remind them why it’s wrong. Steer them into the direction of educating themselves. If they still don’t get it then that person is clearly undeniably racist. That has consequences. They will lose fans, job opportunities and income. Status will be revoked ironically they will be blacklisted from any future projects. This is the punishment they brought onto themselves. What they tell people by not acknowledging their past mistake is that they are the same person they were back then. That’s terrifying. They tell their fans it’s ok to walk around wearing blackface. It teaches racist people that they’re right and that will have horrific effects on the black community. In the worst case scenario it could even lead to death. That is a death that they are responsible for. CC isn’t setting out to ruin celebrities lives it’s trying to educate them and make sure that they understand the impact their actions have on others. It should be a lesson not an attack. If a celebrity is actively fearing they will be cancelled at any moment surely that should raise some red flags. Why would you fear being cancelled if you’ve done nothing wrong? Sadly it is true that innocent people can get caught up in CC a recent example was Justin Bieber but do you know what he did? He explained the situation and showed the receipts proving his innocence he also acknowledged why what he was accused of was wrong. Is he the perfect role model? No but he has shown growth and understanding. If someone is truly innocent they should be able to bring up some form of proof of their innocence and explain why what they are accused of is wrong and hopefully advocate against it. If they lie about their innocence then they will be facing consequences for their actions consequences they brought upon themselves. Again CC isn’t actively looking to cancel people for fun it shouldn’t be a witch-hunt. Yes it’s true some people the odd few do take it too far but in every movement there are those who need to be sat down and thanked for their devotion to the cause but reminded they need to reign it in. Now the dead are also subject to being cancelled. This is of course a difficult situation. The dead can’t speak up for themselves. So unless there is 100% solid proof for example with Jimmy Savile (just typing the name makes me feel sick) unfortunately we will never know if they were truly guilty or not. I’m not blaming the victims I understand personally why somebody would wait so long to speak out about someone. When their attacker is alive they are still very much a threat to them. It’s natural to be afraid. I personally believe if somebody speaks out claiming to be a victim we should believe them. If they’re lying then they will face the consequences. I would much rather apologise to somebody falsely accused after they’ve proved their innocence over blindly following somebody believed to be guilty. If a celebrity is no longer with us the situation becomes increasingly more challenging for everyone. I think it’s best to decide for yourselves how to go about the situation. Now let’s talk about the one who inspired me to write today’s entry the big JK herself. It started with her releasing false information about the trans community. Like everyone she was given an opportunity to release an apology and do her own research. She refused to and instead doubled down on her harmful teachings. Again she was reminded and refused. We are now in a period of time where she’s run out of chances and I believe she has begun the process of feeling the consequences of her actions. She has harmed an entire group of people with her mistruths. Trans people are scared for their lives and with good reason. What she is saying is Trans people aren’t valid they aren’t real. Or if they are real they are mentally ill. That is going to cause people to fear their safety. Anyone following her is actively displaying their support. It’s not unfair to unfollow people who insist on following her. It’s better to be safe and unfollow than to wait it out and see what they say. Now she is coming out stating she doesn’t like CC why? Because she now understands the end stage of the process the consequence stage. Should we ignore her? No people like her we can’t afford to ignore. They are dangerous. If like me you are tired and distressed over seeing her name everywhere Twitter has the option to mute words, phrases and hashtags. Mute JK Rowling, @jk_rowling & any hashtags related to her. To stay informed about what she’s up to talk to the people around you. You have to be vigilant about people like her. Dangerous people who are left unchecked can grow to be even more dangerous. As for her works I personally believe it’s a personal choice. I understand why some people don’t feel comfortable supporting her work. I also understand the world she created is so popular it has intertwined with peoples lives. That’s not something easy to give up on. My suggestion is if you want to continue enjoying the world use the media you already have. Read the books you own, watch the films you own. You have already given her your money through royalties that can’t be undone but you can now lessen the amount you give back to her. Don’t start attacking people who want to enjoy this world. Personally I’ve never read the books or watched the films and now I’m not going to purchase them. If I want to read/watch them I will borrow friends copies. That’s not giving her anything back. That needs to be understood that there can be a way for everyone to be happy. She has hurt a lot of people, a lot. Not just the community she attacked but the people who support them and her own fans who are now forced to make a decision they should never have to make. It’s hard on everyone. The Potterheads are not JK Rowling. They love Harry Potter. If they want to enjoy HP there are ways to do that without continuing to support JK’s pocket. You are allowed your own opinion of course but hate isn’t an opinion it’s an attack. Please don’t give in to hate. To conclude I do think CC has a place in this world however it’s name is misleading perhaps we should call it something like Educating Culture because that’s the aim to educate. If you’ve done nothing wrong you shouldn’t fear being cancelled or confronted. Stay vigilant. Open discussions. Support those impacted by the celebrities actions and above all don’t turn to hate. Debate > Hate. Thank you for reading my personal views on CC I’m interested to hear your opinions on the matter this is of course to start a discussion. You can find me on Twitter @66JayJay99 I love you all ❤ JayJay

Nobody Should Fear Using The Bog! {Entry #2}

Today I am taking a break from myself to continue a discussion from a post I recently made over on Twitter. To summarise I found myself in a conversation with a woman who claimed Trans Women shouldn’t use Women’s bathrooms in case they’re predators. This is a toxic belief that makes no sense. Let’s break this down part by part shall we. Firstly stating Trans Women is a purposeful attempt to segregate a specific group of women. We shouldn’t have to call Trans women Trans we should just be calling them women because that is what they are. I have to remind you that I myself am not Trans and I understand how many Trans people like using the term to describe themselves. I am in no position to take that from them. What I am trying to say is a simple truth if someone says they are a woman then they are a woman. This isn’t something they decided on a whim. They didn’t wake up one day thinking hmm I’m a woman now. That’s not how it works. That completely dismisses possibly years of self discovery. I have no place telling somebody they aren’t who they say they are and neither are you. All we have to do is support that they know who they are and respect them for the journey they have gone through. If a cisgendered woman told you she was a woman you would 100% believe her because I’m assuming she would look like how you would define a biological woman. Biological sex and gender are two different things. This is why gender reveal parties are in my eyes problematic they give this false notion that the sex of the baby will correspond with their gender identity whatever it may be. You are born assigned a sex at birth that can be Male, Female or Intersex (yes Intersex is a real thing you can’t deny people’s anatomy) lets go to the dictionary definitions of these words. Male: of or denoting the sex that produces gametes, especially spermatozoa, with which a female may be fertilized or inseminated to produce offspring. Female: of or denoting the sex that can bear offspring or produce eggs, distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) which can be fertilized by male gametes. And Intersex: a general term used for a variety of situations in which a person is born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit the boxes of “female” or “male.” Sometimes doctors do surgeries on intersex babies and children to make their bodies fit binary ideas of “male” or “female”. I admit but that’s all pretty wordy so to simplify biologically males grow to produce sperm to inseminate the females egg. Which creates a baby and Intersex people are born with a combination of the two. Now a word that sticks out to me is binary what does that mean? Binary: relating to, composed of, or involving two things. 1. relating to, composed of, or involving two things. 2. relating to, using, or denoting a system of numerical notation that has 2 rather than 10 as a base. So you see binary sex is composed of two things Male and Female. Sounds simple right? It’s all there in black and white. Wrong. Those are just the basic definitions of course there are millions of females who can’t produce eggs and millions of males who can’t produce sperm. There are Females with breasts of all different shapes and sizes. Males with different penis shapes etc etc. It’s not all black and white. Now gender is interesting. I know I’m going through a lot of definitions but this is a serious discussion that needs evidence you know? So Gender: either of the two sexes (male and female), especially when considered with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones. The term is also used more broadly to denote a range of identities that do not correspond to established ideas of male and female. That is very wordy but essentially it’s saying your gender can match up with your biological sex i.e. Male Male this is called Cisgendered. But I’m more interested in the second part of this. Broadly used to denote a range of identities. This means people’s gender doesn’t have to match their sex. You can be assigned Male at birth and identity as Female and you know what? That is 100% a real thing and there isn’t anything you can say to prove otherwise. There are way more identities than there are sexes remember sex is binary there are officially only two and people are so obsessed with that, they perform surgeries on babies who are intersex to make them fit a specific box! That’s messed up. Someone can be born with the Sex of Male and through their life can discover that actually that doesn’t fit them they are in fact Female. You aren’t in their body. You don’t know how they feel. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing a body that doesn’t match who you are inside. Yes sure they could have beautiful long hair and a stunningly beautiful feminine body but you know what? It’s not your body. It’s theirs and you should care more about supporting their journey to get to the body they deserve and not the body they were born with. That’s just one example not everyone wants to transition. They may only want one kind of surgery, top surgery or bottom surgery. They may not want surgery at all. It’s their identity, it’s their body and it’s their choice what they do with it not yours. It takes years to transition. It’s not a quick pop into a hospital let’s turn this penis inside out. No! There is so much that goes into it. Hormones and such. So if you think Trans people don’t know what they are doing I assure you they are far more educated on the matter than you are. So as you can see by the dictionary definition you if you’re assigned Male at birth you aren’t necessarily Male. That’s the most important thing. Toilets come in binary options Men and Women (not including changing rooms, disabled toilets etc because they are already welcoming of all identities) if you are Female and a Woman why should you be forced to use the Men’s bathroom? Transitioning is an extremely lengthy process someone isn’t going to transition just to assault someone. The sad truth is if someone wants to assault someone they will. They don’t need some evil complicated plan and disguise to. Trans people are just people trying to live their lives like everyone else and part of living involves using the toilet. So please just let them use the toilet they are most comfortable in. Stop paying attention to what someone has in their pants because it doesn’t necessarily correspond with their gender identity. You can try and come up with counterpoints but if you’ve read this far seen all the dictionary definitions seen the complicatedness behind identity and sex and still think Women who happen to have a penis aren’t women then it is you who is the problem not them. Their identity does not effect yours. Their body is not yours. You have no right to tell them what to do with it. You have no right to tell them which toilet they should use. My suggestion is use the loo, wash your hands and focus on yourself not the others sharing a bathroom with you. It is highly unlikely the woman next to you is a man in some overly thought out scheme to attack you they just want to use the bog. Nobody Should Fear Using The Bog! Again I have to stress I myself am not Trans please go and do your own research reach out to Trans people. Ask them about their experiences because they are people they aren’t statistics or mythical creatures. Being Trans is a small part of what makes them them treat them like humans. Gosh darn it treat them with respect. They know far more than I am able to tell you. I’m sorry if I missed anything out or didn’t explain something properly I have the best intentions in mind. For now I have said what I have to. You can find me on Twitter @66JayJay99 and I love you all. Be true to yourself and don’t let anyone tell you other wise. ~JayJay~

Who am I? {Entry #1}

When thinking of which topic to discuss, I had many ideas but those can wait. I thought why not introduce myself properly because believe it or not over on my other social media sites like Twitter I don’t believe I have formally introduced myself. My name is JayJay that’s it Capital J ay Capital J ay the unhyphenated monolithic name which is mine. What does JayJay mean? Does it have a meaning? Yes, everything I do or have has a meaning. If it didn’t what would be it’s point in the world? So what exactly is the meaning behind the name? I’ll let you in on a little secret. My legal name is Jason. I know I know but it’s only temporary as soon as I can it will be changed to JayJay because in my eyes that is my name. It’s what I use the most. JayJay is an extended version of the letters JJ which stands for Jason Junior. See what I did there? Many of you are probably questioning why the pacifier? Why are you a baby when you’re an adult? This is a subject that is rather complicated to explain but I will try my best. My whole life age has always felt bizarre to me. The concept of ageing and growing old and being expected to be able to be in certain places as certain age points in life was nothing but confusing. I have always felt younger than I am. My legal age has always felt like a number. I know what I can and can’t do why should people expect me to know otherwise. I know I like collecting teddies and I know I like drinking from a bottle and watching cartoons but I also know I enjoy Horror films and dystopian novels. What I’m trying to say is I’m complicated like every human on this marble we call Earth. I am legally old enough to live the way I want to and using Pacifiers is not only me expressing who I am inside it’s also a powerful image. You are drawn to the dummy. You question the dummy. It also makes my eyes stand out which is a bonus. Ah yes my eyes. You may not know this but I actually have to wear glasses for long sightedness. I chose not to wear them in images to present myself in a way separate to my personal life (this is why a lot of my photos are slightly blurred because I can’t see what I’m doing it also leads to multiple attempts at taking a photo) back to baby. Somebody asked me if the word baby for me was an identity marker like using the word trans and honestly I had never thought of it like that before but in many ways maybe it is. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying being a baby is in anyway close to being trans. I’m not trans but I also don’t see myself as cisgendered. I see myself as a baby and babies don’t know what the concept of gender is. So why should I? I used to present myself as part of the ABDL (Adult Baby Diaper Lover) Community and though I have many friends within that community I don’t see myself as part of it. I’ve never liked wearing diapers and I certainly don’t feel like an adult dressing as a baby. In other words I don’t regress. This is just who I am every day. Whether I have a dummy in or not I am always a baby. Perhaps I have some form of Age Dysphoria. I don’t know but even if I did I wouldn’t change that, I love who I am. Being a baby in no way means you have the right to patronise me or treat me lesser than you. I want to be spoken to like a person. Sure you can call me cute you can even casually call me baby I don’t mind but patronising me is nothing less than rude. I enjoy many things some intended for babies some intended for adults but there is no law saying I can’t enjoy them. I’ve been called a pedophile many times for how I present myself and this is simply not true. The definition of a pedophile is a person who is sexually attracted to children. Which I’m not. In fact I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. I am Homoromantic but I prefer the term asexual because it sounds more Ace. Homoromantic means romantically I’m attracted to male presenting people (yes that includes trans men because they are men) but I have no desire to sleep with them or hold a sexual attraction to them. That doesn’t mean I’m celibate asexuality isn’t celibacy many asexual people have sex for many different reasons. If I had a partner who wanted something like that maybe I would sleep with them there would have to be a discussion. It doesn’t mean I’m any less asexual. It took me a long time to realise I liked men and even longer to realise I didn’t like sleeping with men. On that journey I’ve been mentally abused by men. Sexually harassed and even assaulted by men. I had my first boyfriend at the legal age of 16. He was over 10 years older than me which caused the police to investigate. In the end it was decided by therapists that I was in no mental position to consent to sexual acts. This may sound strange but I have long suffer… no lived with General Anxiety Disorder it’s just one of the big 5. That is my disabilities. I don’t know why I don’t discuss my disabilities more I’m not ashamed of them in anyway and I probably could use my experiences to help others. The big 5 can be split into two groups no not Mental and Physical but actually Believed and Not Believed. I have been officially diagnosed with all 5 of these but for whatever reason some people close to me refuse to believe that I have them. The Believed: Asthma and Eczema these are believed because they are physical. I need to use an inhaler at least once a day though in honesty I sometimes forget but it’s usually in the winter my chest has the most problems. My eczema can be brought on by heat or stress. Oh the stress I deal with I’m surprised I have any skin at all. I use creams to lessen its effects. Now onto the Not Believed: Dyscalculia, General Anxiety Disorder and Fibromyalgia. Dyscalculia in it’s dictated definition Is severe difficulty in making arithmetical calculations, as a result of brain disorder. Which sounds terrifying to think I have a brain disorder. I was diagnosed in 2014 and the way it was explained to me was dyslexia but mainly for numbers. Which sounds less intimidating. It’s not believed because it’s simply not understood people just assume I struggle with maths. I do my best for sure but at the end of the day I struggle doing maths and calculations because my mind simply isn’t built to. My Anxiety has been present for the majority of my life it’s why I used to throw up and stop myself from eating. This is something I still struggle with as I don’t often eat breakfast or lunch and usually wait for dinner or gorge myself on snacks. This is not healthy. I am underweight and you should not aspire to be my weight at all. I’ve been hospitalised several times for my Anxiety most recently in 2016 when I lost so much weight I was kept off from my education because I simply couldn’t leave my house on fear I would lose too much more. My fibromyalgia is my most recent diagnosis. I was diagnosed in early 2019. For years it was assumed I had Juvinial Interactive Arthritis (yes children can get arthritis you don’t have to be old) but it’s recently been understood this was most likely fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia in its dictionary definition is a rheumatic condition characterized by muscular or musculoskeletal pain with stiffness and localized tenderness at specific points on the body. This causes me to tire easily which is why I often take naps. Just walking to the shop on a bad day can cause my severe pain later on. The best way to handle this is by doing exercise and it’s also recommended to get plenty of sleep. It’s not believed by many people because it’s an invisible condition. Just because you don’t see my pain doesn’t make it any less real. Phew honestly I could go into much more aspects of my life but let’s save that for another time. I’m tired of writing now. As always if you have any questions don’t be shy, come to me and ask I will answer the best way I can. I think I’ll aim to post a blog every day but we will see. For now you can find me on my Twitter @66JayJay99 and thank you for reading I’ll talk to you all soon. JayJay.